Turning my life around, and getting back into The Loop

OK.

Now I've gone on about my life a lot, either publicly on this and other blogs, or privately in my own diaries and such, but let's have a look at making some concrete, real changes in my life for the better.

I realise that beliefs do create reality. For example, if I were to not believe that I could ever get another job again, I'd completely give up all attempts, and then my beliefs would be confirmed. Likewise, if I believed I could and would make thirty million dollars from my relatively light efforts, I'd get on with it, because I know it would be worth the effort.

My big stumbling block has been not being happy with mediocrity, I think. And that's what's led me to spectacular failure. I've not been interested in "just being enough" or some kind of second rate act. It's probably my ego that's been responsible for that, but it's true. I've always loathed the idea of not being exceptional, and all it's made me is exceptionally unexceptional.

BUT I've learned a lot along the way, with my spectacular failure.

I mean, let's look at the envy I've had of others: I've been spectacularly envious of the peers I was at drama school, for example, for their success. Well, when I say "peers" I really mean one - Leslie Grantham, who became hugely successful as an actor in the soap opera "Eastenders" and other stuff. I've never been envious of his talent, however - I think he's a wooden, one dimensional character and a stilted, uninteresting person to watch. He has no grace, a lousy voice, and no real presence at all. On top of that, he's pretentious, affected and, let's face it, a liar and a murderer.

So why should I have been envious?

I suppose I was not so much envious as angry at the injustice of life. He's a crap actor, yes. But was a crap, famous actor. And, as a famous actor, he had choice in what he did. And that's where my envy has been. That and the stuff he's acquired. The stuff, the money, the family, and all that.

I, on the other hand, became a bitter and lonely, desperate and broken man. Not remotely famous, I took "the interesting path" of doing weird stuff like going to America with a fistful of dollars and living an unconventional life in my own way.

But now I want some change to occur. And when I mean "change" I mean I want - first of all - for a considerable increase in income, but also that it comes from my working as an actor. I want to be a working, professional actor again. Well, as I am actually that already, I should amend that to read " a consistently working professional actor".

Part of getting to that means my focussing my thoughts. And letting go of the past. And accepting my self. And really embracing the laws of metaphysics and psychology, and making it all happen.